Learning How to Fall in Love With Yourself

I am addicted to salt baths. I realize that DCF could show up at my house now that have stated that and its misunderstood…but I really mean salt baths, not to be confused with bath salts. I mean really, how many disastrous drugs can kids come up with these days?

But I digress, which is why I take so many salt baths. They help me focus, reconnect with myself and always, always provide some sort of epiphany or inspiration while I’m meditatively soaking. And today’s inspiration needs to be shared.

One of the intentions I set for myself for 2014 is to fall deeply in love with myself.  I thought it sounded nice and fairly important, but honestly, I wasn’t even sure what that meant or how to do it. So I asked myself what it means to be in love and I think of all the people and places and things I love in my life.

What does it mean to be in love?  To me, it means to adore and admire the attributes a person or place holds.  Its a feeling of being drawn in to what they have to offer, wanting to spend time in their presence, enjoying their company and how I feel around them.  When I leave someone or somewhere I love, I feel more peaceful and content.  It literally nourishes my soul.

And I find it easy to make a commitment to someone I love. If they need something, I want to help them with whatever it is as a return favor for the joy they bring in my life. I want them to feel joy, happiness and contentment.  I also want to them to feel loved and appreciated, because seriously, what’s better than that? I will take steps and actions to add this to their life and I will do so easily and with a giving heart.  And the bonus, it feels awesome to me.

So, if its so easy to be in love with someone else, why does it seem like such a challenge to fall in love with myself? How is it that I deserve any less than what I give to someone else? Turns out, it doesn’t need to be.

I know exactly how to love another which means I can do the same for myself. I know the steps it takes to build a relationship and the commitment involved. I know how to support and show appreciation and I know just how awesome it feels to get it in return. So why not fall in love with myself and treat myself with the same respect and admiration I do for everyone else?

Welcome to my inner thought process….

We all know and have heard that we need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of anyone else.  We nod in understanding when we hear the words, but the part of us that we put on the back burner says…”yeah, ok, I’ll fit it in…maybe.”

Why don’t we prioritize ourselves the way we do our children, our partners, our jobs?  What makes us so less important than anyone else?  What would you tell your child if you saw them treating or neglecting themselves the way you do yourself??

If we nurture ourselves, we will be able to nurture others more efficiently. If we respect ourselves, we will know exactly what it means to feel respect and be more open to giving it out.  If we embrace our less than pretty side and accept it for what it is, we will be less inclined to judge the less than pretty side of others.

Falling in love with ourselves allows us to fully appreciate the value we bring to the table…to everyone’s table!

And so begins my love affair with myself. I have a date day with me coming up and I’m not even sure what it looks like yet, but I know its going to be filled with things I like to do and be, impressing myself the best ways I know how. And yes, a salt bath will surely be on the agenda….

2013, the Year of Making My Own Light

As 2013 winds down, taking inventory of the year’s highs and lows feels inevitable. When 2013 started I had a feeling that it was going to be a great, transformative year. Turns out, it was. Great and transformative, yet equally painful and uncomfortable. Change is not easy, at least not for me.

When I look at the low points, the breakup of my marriage, my children learning to live in two houses, explaining my emotional and mental roller coaster to friends and family about 200,000 times, buying my home, housework, housework and more housework, the stress of my job, the stress of single motherhood, helping my children navigate their emotions as I try to understand my own…and the effort of releasing more tears than I knew a human can produce, it feels like a lot. Oh and let’s not forget, holding my head up high and wearing the mask of “all is well” just enough to believe it on the days that collapsing would have been so much easier. Good times.

Yet, when I look at the highlights, the real high points, I am amazed how many good things have happened to me and around me this past year. I faced some of my greatest fears and survived…not only survived, rocked them! I bought a house on my own and run a house on my own. I am teaching and raising two phenomenal human beings who I enjoy watching grow and thrive. I reconnected with my long time friend as our marriage ended and hashed out years of how and where things went wrong to understand the whys of where we are today. I learned to see that if a square peg doesn’t fit in a round hole, no one is actually at fault.

I enjoy my own company and have become one of my greatest allies. I made amazing new friendships, enhanced others and discovered just how valuable family is in my life. I started the book I always said I’d write and even wrote a children’s book. I meditate daily which I’ve always wanted to do. I stumbled across Integrated Energy Therapy in the Spring and became a Master Instructor by the Fall of an energy modality that supports me in miraculous ways as I shape my life, as well as allows me to help others while they shape theirs. I am more intuitive, positive, whole and together than perhaps ever in my life.

When I look back at my goals for 2013, the one that sticks out the most was “walk in the dark and make my own light.” If I knew how literal that would have been I wonder if I would have written it down. It was scary out there in the dark, but it did force me to access my own innate survival skills as well as see the beams of external support.

For someone like me, who analyzes every scenario, and plays out every outcome to see if the moves are safe, a year filled with unknowns is simply a lesson of practicing trust in oneself and the outcome before it reveals itself. And believing that whatever the end result is is exactly what I need.

So as I say farewell to 2013 I am even more hopeful and excited for what 2014 will bring. New adventures, new goals and experiences and always so much to learn.

Here’s to another year filled with awesomeness and light!

Happy New Year!

20 Reasons to Live Today

Today would have been my mother’s birthday and this year I feel like celebrating her life as opposed to remembering she left too early.  In fact, I just feel like celebrating life in general!

So in honor of my mother’s life and how awesome life is, I will share with you an activity I just did with one of the fabulous teenagers I work with.

Recently, said fabulous teenager was approaching a planned death date she had selected a year ago as the day she would take her life.  As the date became closer she was apprehensive as to how she would respond to the day.  She has come a long, long way since planning that date, but still it loomed and with it, her concern.

To acknowledge its passing, we decided to celebrate after the date by each coming up with a list of the reasons to live.  We multiplied my favorite number with her favorite number and we had to come up with 60 reasons of why life rocks.  It was a quite a list and it was fun!

We shared our lists with each other a few days ago and I have to say , not only was it a great experience to write the list and focus on all the good, but to share with someone with 23 less years of experience than I do and discover we all have way more in common in our perspectives when it comes to appreciating life than we don’t, was very cool.  I will be doing this same activity with my own kids and can’t wait to see what they come up with.

Without further ado,  I share our favorites from our lists. Can you tell which belongs to who? I even changed up the order. 🙂

Food. Food is awesome. Every flavor teaches us something about what we are drawn to and what to steer away from.

Kids. You can raise another version of yourself and love and care for it.

Clear, starry nights. A reminder that the world is so much bigger than we see.

Laughing. Nothing feels better than a big, belly laugh.

Falling in love. Love is so amazing and a crazy feeling.

Family. You can’t always choose them, but you can choose what role they play in your life.

Quotes. They are something I can relate to.

Friends. Trusting in another is like finding a second version of yourself that doesn’t make you feel crazy when you talk to it.

Be a Role Model. Knowing someone looks up to you.

Hugs. Connecting to people feels good. Unity feels awesome.

Dance Team. They are my family, my support, my girls.

Fall leaves. The reminder that change is inevitable and transition can be beautiful.

High School Reunion. I can show them that THEY WERE WRONG.

Cars. Much faster than a horse and keeps you dry in the rain.

Making someone smile. I feel happy that I made someone feel good.

Rainbows. Nature’s way of saying there is always hope.

Moonlight. The light that beams through darkness without expectation of being turned off.

Fireflies. Because they are magical bugs.

Make someone proud. It is the best feeling in the whole world.

Honesty. People are drawn to honesty and the truth. You speak it and they will listen.

What are your reasons to live?

How Old is Too Old to Believe in Santa Claus?

QUESTION:

How old is too old to believe in Santa? (Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, Etc.) Do we tell them the truth before they hear it from other kids? My daughter is in 5th grade and still believes.

MY PERSPECTIVE:

Honestly, I still believe in Santa. In my mind, Santa is truly the Spirit of Fun and Giving at Christmastime.  In fact, once I had children, Christmas seemed even more exciting to me when they began to understand and believe in the story of Santa Claus. I mean the belief that this person generously gives to others expecting nothing in return except the hope that we will choose good behaviors…brilliant!

I want my children to believe in the Spirit of Giving and Fun, so is there ever a specific time to call it a belief and not an actual living, breathing person? I don’t think so.

I believe that is a personal decision for all parents that is determined by when it feels right for them and their situation. The reality is they will find out, at some point, so how do you want to structure your response for when they do, whether you are the one telling them or not?

Now is the time to determine what you want them to walk away understanding, including an explanation of why the “secret” of Santa’s (or the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, etc) non physical identity is kept in the spirit of fun…just like planning a surprise party.  The intent of the secret is meant to keep things interesting and exciting, not as a dishonesty where someone can get hurt.

Until then, enjoy living in the moments of their wonder and fun and embrace the truth that they won’t be little forever…why not hold on for as long as we can and enjoy the cookies and milk while they last?

Note: This is a repost from last year, but a timely one.  Since this was written, my own 10 year old accidentally discovered that the Easter Bunny hides excess chocolate in her closet.  Sometimes the Easter Bunny has a lot on her mind…

This prompted  a great discussion on all the special gift givers in our lives and why we keep the traditions alive.  Although my daughter was disappointed that the mystery was over, she was and is very excited to be Santa’s helper this year for her little brother and even got to play the Tooth Fairy for him a few weeks ago.  The Spirit of Giving lives on!

What Would Jeannie Do?

Growing up I never imagined myself with children. I saw myself living in a high rise penthouse apartment in New York City using my expert arguing skills working as a lawyer and making tons of money while I waltzed through life with no responsibilities other than myself and whatever whim I had at the moment.  That dream changed when I fell in love for the first time.  I no longer saw my future as alone and independent, but with a companion to keep me company on my journey towards whatever dreams I’d conjure up next.  But still, no children in my future. I didn’t think I had it in me. No mothering instincts to speak of, no draw towards children, no inkling to take on any additional responsibility I didn’t know how to manage.

I remember the ride home from my mother in law’s house the day I invited in the idea of having a baby. I had just met a beautiful premie and held her in my arms gently and wondered what it would be like to hold my own. But I was terrified. I was clueless.  I had no idea how to be a mother.  I didn’t even feel comfortable around babies.  But being who I am, I made up my mind and was pregnant with my baby girl very shortly after that day. I spent my pregnancy listening to advice, reading books and then putting them down when it became overwhelming. I studied the mothers around me and watched what they did as though they carried the secrets of the universe in their interaction with their children. I prayed I’d figure it out. I did not want to screw it up.

I looked for models of what I wanted to be everywhere I went. I took memory shots of experiences I wanted to have and listened for words I wanted to use with my own child. I studied the behaviors of children I worked with and kept a mental journal of characteristics I hoped for in my own child and what I hoped I could steer them from.  I grieved the absence of my own mother and felt the void of experience I’d never learned from her. But I knew, somewhere, I’d find a match for me of who I wanted to learn from.

In retrospect, I couldn’t have been any luckier to have met my teacher.  Not only did she parent exactly the way I thought I’d want to, but she was beautiful, incredibly smart, insanely funny and had a heart like I had never seen. In so many ways, I wanted to be her. I loved the way she talked about her kids, the way she challenged herself regularly and her views on life nearly matched mine perfectly.  Being in her presence was calming, rejuvenating and inspiring. There was never a doubt that she was The One.

I feel so fortunate that her kids are a few years older and I have been able to watch her navigate through the trials of parenting at every stage up through high school graduation so far.  I have seen her dip into doubt and frustration and bounce back with an understanding that she is doing the best she can at every stage and that no “mistake” can ever overshadow the good that is consistent and true for their family.  I have seen her humanness and struggle in deciding what’s “right” and then make decisions she never thought she would. I have seen her build a suit of armor to protect her children and then take away the shield when she thought they could use the reality check of a quick jab, just enough to hurt, but not enough to harm.  And in case I ever needed proof to see if her “tactics” were effective, I have had the luxury of watching her children grow into amazing human beings I feel proud to know and simply like to be around.

I can not count how many times in the past 10 years of my parenting life that I have asked myself “What would Jeannie do?”  And each time, my inner Jeannie gives brilliant advice whether she knows it or not.

It will never stop amazing me how many incredible teachers we have in our lives when we ask for them.  When we step back and look at who influences us, who inspires and helps us develop into who we’ve always wanted to be, there is such a sense of gratitude and awe that accompanies that knowledge.  I can think of nothing better.

I hope to be half the teacher for others that Jeannie has been for me. In this month of thankfulness and gratitude, I give thanks to all my teachers that have helped guide me along the way, with special appreciation for my parenting guru and her parents who influenced her the way she influenced me.

Who is your parenting model who influences you the most…and when is the last time you thanked them?

Taking Our Life Back

It’s time to take back your life.  Yes, I’m talking to you.  You know the life you always talk about? The one with the free time? The one where you see your friends, read a book, take a bath, journal, go for a walk, drink coffee in quiet.  It’s your life I’m talking about…and mine.

We are in this together, this life of ours.  We cry at the same movies, watch the same news reports, empathize with those in pain and laugh at the same jokes.  Maybe our level of acceptable is different, but humor is humor and pain is pain, no matter the degree.

I know it’s time for you to take back your life because it’s time for me to take back mine.  And of course, we’re all connected, so I know you are feeling the strains and aches and pains and heartache and joy and peace.  Maybe we feel them at different times, but we still feel them. All of us…every single one.

But today, you take our life back.  Today you will make a list of what its’ going to take. On that list will include making a date with a friend.  On that list will be drawing up your vision of your dream vacation. On that list will be exactly when you plan the time and day you will sit alone for 10 minutes and drink that coffee, tea, or chocolate milk by yourself in silence and breathe this week.

On that list, you will come up with the ideal job where someone pays you to do what you love.  On that list, you will write the names of all the people you want to thank for making your life special and filled with joy. On that list you will add one dream you can’t let go of and why. And on that list you will tell your significant other just what that dream is…and if your significant other is currently you, tell yourself.

If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me. But today is the day. Its Go time.

5 Ways To Teach Our Kids How to Use Their Voice

Remember the last time you walked away from an interaction with someone where you didn’t respond with what you were really thinking?  The one where you had 27 brilliant rebuttals or hard core responses you wish you said, but clammed up out of fear of how your words would be received and what repercussions there might be for speaking your truth. Of course you do, we’ve all been there.

And then we tell our kids to “Use Your Words” when they hit or are verbally aggressive at times and overreact because they don’t know how to communicate their emotions in calm, rational ways that get their point across respectfully. Its not a double standard. Oh wait, yes it is. (I can not apologize for the sarcasm, its how I speak my truth)

Yet, we want our children to speak for themselves and learn the value of self advocacy. In my professional view, its one of those life skills that not only helps you in ANY career you choose, but also in any relationship or friendship or interaction with another human being…and occasionally pets. (I am 99% sure they understand everything we say). But I am not kidding, its that important.

Learning to speak your truth and use your voice could not be any more valuable.  Shoving down your emotions starts with a disagreement with your parent or your friend or your sibling or your teacher or the kid bullying you at school and ends with stifled interaction and communication with your boss or your colleague or your spouse and a self esteem that feels it can not get out of its own way. It becomes a patterned behavior and response when we fear that if we speak our truth we will not be supported or worse off, rejected. And most of the time we play out the scenarios in our head and fear the worst without ever having lived it. We reject ourselves before we are rejected and silence ourselves without ever hearing the sound of our voice.

So how can we stop that pattern with our children?

1- Help them to identify what they want as an end result.  How do they want to feel at the end of the conversation?  What is the intent? Its important to know what they want to feel so they will be able to tell when they have met their goal and end the conversation and embrace the success.

2-Give them the words to use.  Do a mock conversation with whomever they feel they need to speak to. Help them play it out to make the unknown a known and they can feel prepared.  All those “I wish I said this” can be played out in advance to give them a better shot at saying them.

3-Reframe any negativity. If the conversation feels remotely confrontational (and most people avoid confrontation), help them see it as a positive more so than a negative.  For example, if they have to speak to someone who they feel is treating them unfairly, explain to them that by speaking up they are teaching that person how their actions and words affect other people, something they may not know, and in turn will help them rethink how they speak to other people, thus protecting future “victims.”  Annnnd they will feel awesome once they say what’s on their mind.

4-Help them see any fear around it as simply a thought, not a reality.  There is no real way to know how a conversation/interaction is going to go without assuming….and we all know what assuming does.

But more typically, the anticipation is far, far worse than the actual event.  Help them play out the worst case scenario so they can see that nothing is truly too life altering if it doesn’t go the way they’d like.

5- Tell them stories of situations in your own life that they can relate to so they see that they are not alone and that life goes on.  Its so helpful for all of us to speak to someone who we feel gets us and our fears when we are having them and when its the strong parent you look up to, even more so.  Sometimes the most comfort comes when we hear survivor stories of those who’ve been in similar shoes.

The  hardest part for some parents will be to not do it for their children.  When our protective instincts come out, we pump up our chests and want to fix it for them with our experience, but allowing them to do it on their own actually is a far more empowering opportunity for growth.  And isn’t allowing them to grow the best way to advocate for them? I vote yes.

And if you are wondering if they are old enough to handle it on their own? If they can speak up to you and use their voice, then they are old enough to handle it on their own.

Wanna hear the super bonus of all? The more you teach them and encourage them to use their voice, the more confident and comfortable you feel doing the same in your own life. Two lessons in one. What’s better than that?

The Little Potato That Could

Every year, my friend and colleague and I co facilitate our school’s anti bullying program and each time, I am reminded of why I love working with teenagers and all the goodness that comes with them.

Last night, we held our first training and one of the diversity exercises was to get to know a potato up close and write a story about their life.  They were quite funny and insightful, but one in particular touched my heart…so of course, I have to share.

“Once upon a time, there was a demented potato that no one would buy.  Every day the potato hoped someone would buy him.  One day, a woman was making some potato salad and needed five potatoes. She picked out four, admiring them delightfully. But when she got to the demented potato, she winced in horror. “Hideous.” She shook her head.

The next day, a blind man felt the potatoes and the demented potato thought, “Yes! This is my chance!” However, the blind man shunned the potato for its big holes and bumpy stature.

Finally, a little boy ran up to the potato stand and picked up the demented potato. “This one Mommy!” he said excitedly.

“No honey, that one is a dud,” she replied.

“But Mommy, they all taste the same!” the little boy exclaimed. And with that, the demented potato was on his way home with them for dinner.

Through the eyes of a potato and its teenage friends.

12 Simple Lessons Every Pre Teen Girl Needs To Know

Remember high school girl drama?  You know, “I heard you were talking about me.”  “No I wasn’t.” “Then why did Betsy say you called me a slut?” “Maybe because Betsy told me you were talking about ME and YOU called ME a slut.”

Okay, there aren’t many Betsy’s in high school anymore, but for real, they still talk like that. It’s BEYOND painful. Be-yond. And they mean it…and Betsy really did tell her she called her a slut, to both parties, I’m sure of it.

Girl drama drives me nuts and yet a I have a bizarre love for teenagers. I find great joy in working with them because they are just hitting the cusp of adulthood. They are still listening even when they are pretending they are not. They want your opinions and approval even though they won’t ask for it, and the best part…I am not their mother, which means I can say whatever I want without fear of them not loving me and causing long term damage to both of us. But honestly, they are just simply kids, trying to figure it out and needing a little bit of help…or A LOT of help along the way.  As they sort out how they feel, what they think they should feel and what they think they shouldn’t, they get sidetracked on where they stand. As parents and adults who care about them, our role is to redirect and help them navigate which way feels best for them. This can be a challenge, because lets be honest, they can be stereotypically stubborn and extremely annoying. Extremely. But work we must, to assist them to the finish line of adulthood, without tearing out every last one of our pre gray hairs.

Listening to teenage girls hash out their differences can be exhausting. Often, I find myself walking away with a tension headache and a realization of the intense fear I have of my own pre teen daughter growing into adolescence.  I may have even said a few silent prayers to the Universe asking that my daughter be spared of raging hormones, latent insecurity and a need to be liked by anyone other than herself.

And like an Irish prayer (because my daughter is Irish and I think I am–even though its only true on St. Patrick’s Day) I pass on my wishes and lessons to the pre teen girl, as she works her way into blooming adolescence…

At the dawn of transition, may you find the truth in these lessons:

May you notice that for every one person you think doesn’t like you, there are 25 more who are so thankful to have you in their life.

May you learn that when your heart feels broken, that feeling of sadness will only be two blinks worth of time in your life span.

May you recognize that everyone has an ounce of pain in their life, if not more. When you think you understand them, ask again, they may only show you what they want you to see.

May you have an understanding that you are NEVER in control of what other people say and do. You can manipulate those who will buy into it, but they still call the shots as to how they will respond.

May you taste the words that are sweet and the words that are bitter as they come out of your mouth, so you know which ones feel better to use.

May you realize that your brain is by far the most attractive thing about you, because when you use it openly, suitors will follow you around and recognize you as the Goddess you are.

May you always know the difference between the story to share and the story to keep to yourself.  In the world of friendship, it is the sacred keeper of the stories that holds the key to real trust.

May you see that relationships are more about how you see yourself than how others see you.  When you see the beauty in yourself, truly see it, it won’t matter who sees it as clearly as you.

May you remember that the love you give out will always be the love you get back, but the way you define love may fluctuate.

May you experience that every ending is simply the beginning of something else to learn.

May you discover that the only limitations in life are the ones you create.

And may you always know that the earth will continue to rotate, the stars will continue to twinkle and the sun will continue to rise each day, whether we choose to see it or not. But when we choose to see it, life is so much more fun.

What Does it Mean to “Put the Children First?”

What does it mean to “Put the Children First?”

I always wonder what people mean when they say that.

Do we put the children first when we bring them into this world or our homes? When we cuddle them as babies, or when we let them cry it out to learn to soothe themselves?  Is it when we buy them healthy food or when we buy them junk food as a “treat”? Or is it when we buy them luxury items that we didn’t have as a child…or as an adult? Is it when we register them for school? Or when we choose to home school them?

What does it mean to you to put your child first?

I think we will be hard pressed to find a parent who does not “put their child first” in their own mind, but the way they define it may not be the way everyone defines it, which doesn’t make it wrong, it just makes it their definition.

For me, putting my children first means allowing them to help wash and put their own laundry away, so they know how to take care of their belongings…and so they know where their clothes are.  It also means giving them the responsibility of packing their own lunches so they know what goes into them and how to make healthy, but satisfying choices…and so they can’t blame me if they don’t like their lunch.  Putting them first to me means teaching them how to look someone in the eye when speaking to them, how to hold a respectful conversation and how to use humor to lighten up their mistakes, while taking ownership for them at the same time…key life skills to real communication that are invaluable.

Putting my children first also means taking care of myself and my own physical and emotional needs. When I’m unhappy, unsettled or frustrated, no one’s getting the best of me.  And no one wants to be around me, not even me.  So when I’m in a crappy place, I give myself permission to take care of myself, whatever that means to me at the time, and everyone else around me benefits.

Another of my top definitions of putting my children first means having a healthy relationship with their dad.  Our children learn what respectful relationships look like from watching our every move and ingesting them as their rule book for life.  No pressure… And since our family unit has been separated into two homes, it’s even more of a challenge to make sure this happens, but equally important. Marital separation has been one of the hardest  and most painful events  I’ve ever experienced, but it’s also taught me the value of a strong, working relationship with the person who is invested in my children as much as me.  The more our children watch us respect each other, help each other out and show appreciation, the more comfortable they are with our situation and understand what the framework of a beneficial relationship looks like.  (I should also add that we have worked EXTREMELY hard to hash out 20 years worth of differences in the past 8 months and at the end of the day, my parenting partner is by far one of my favorite people of all time…so that helps)

No matter what our life situation or circumstance may be, isn’t our goal for our children always the same? To keep them safe, healthy and feeling loved, in whatever way we choose and are able to show them that.  As parents, we put our children first by allowing them to see life as it really is.  Sometimes that means allowing them to experience pain and discomfort when they make decisions that don’t work for them and remind them of their other options.  And other times it means intervening when you see unnecessary disaster looming. How each of us defines this will be different but our intentions will always be the same.

So the next time you hear someone say, “Put the children first” ask them to define it and enjoy the differences that keep us all who we are.