I have been writing two or three paragraphs at a time for weeks on various topics and I couldn’t figure out why. I have so many things to share and ideas I know would be helpful, but I just can’t seem to get them out. And no matter how much inspiration I ask for, it’s just not coming. Why? Because as of late, my world is small. I used to write about experiences I saw and learned from others and right now, most of my experiences on a daily basis are mine and mine alone.
I am in a healing phase of my life and have been for many months now. I have been processing years worth of discomfort while trying to get my life in order. It has been a wonderful time of growth and a challenging time of allowing the emotions to come up and out. I have had to look at my demons and question their purpose as well as hone in on my strengths to see what skills I want to sharpen. Most days I am equally focused and driven as I am lost and confused.
The other day I woke up with a determined purpose. I had unfinished business regarding the end of my marriage I had to attend to and I’d been dragging my feet. I had been getting the not so gentle internal nudges, but I can be a turtle when it comes to finalizing painful things. This was one of them.
I was feeling proud of myself mid morning for getting it done and then out of nowhere, the pangs of sadness started to jab at me. “No thank you,” I said to myself, “I’ve felt those already, we’ve been over this. Move on already.” I successfully pushed them down to move on to the next task. I had things to do.
It had been snowing all morning and I decided I would get some fresh air and exercise and begin to shovel my 700 foot driveway. I had my music playing loud to drown out the thoughts and use my anxious energy for a purpose. It was cold and my back was sore, but that discomfort was nothing compared to what I felt brewing underneath.
After thirty minutes of shoveling, I realized there was a layer of ice below the snow that was going to make clearing off the rest of the hilly driveway difficult. I stared down the snowy path and questioned if it was safe to even drive on. How will I get out? What am I going to do? How do I fix this?
My immediate inclination was to call my ex-husband. The man who was once my practical fixer for all things I couldn’t figure out. He’d walk me through it. I pondered how we would fix this problem together. And then a tiny stop sign made its way in my head. “No, you can’t call him. It’s not his job to bail you out. You need to figure this out without him. That’s not your life anymore.”
“Yes, but I could really use his help. He’ll know what to do.” I argued.
The stop sign grew larger and the voice bolder than before. “Stop! You know it’s time to accept the change. Accept it, Lynn. You’ve got to break this pattern.”
“But he’s what I know. I can rely on him to fix this.” I wouldn’t back down.
“Then go ahead and call him. Start the pattern again. You know how it goes.” I calmly replied.
The urges were so strong and I felt myself crumbling under the pressure. One warm tear rolled down my cheek, then another…and another. Little waves of emotions seeping out of me slowly. I couldn’t stop them. They wouldn’t stop.
I sat on the steps of my garage in the house I bought alone and sobbed. How did I get here? What am I doing? This is not the life I would have chosen. I felt completely defeated and alone. I prayed for help. I asked for support. I needed to pull it together.
I took enough deep breaths to call my best problem solving side kick…my sister from another mister. As usual, she calmly took control and offered to fix my problem without even taking a breath. Only your closest friends can decipher your needs through your sobs.
Seconds after I ended the call with her I heard the teenager I’d recently hired to plow my driveway come flying up it. I hadn’t asked him to come, he just did. Fifteen minutes later my driveway was cleared and additional help was on the way. Problem solved.
Once the tears stopped, I re-visited the harsh questions I asked earlier.
How did I get here? I chose this path.
What am I doing? Following my internal direction that is stronger every day.
This is not the life I would I have chosen?? This is exactly the life I have chosen and I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I am exactly where I need to be and figuring it out as I go along. And forward I will go.
As for feeling alone, I had help within thirty minutes of asking for it. That’s some seriously good service. I am never, ever alone.
In my life as a counselor, a healer, a mentor, a mother, a friend, I find it easy to see the patterns in others. I can sense and solve a problem that is not my own in record time when needed. I can feel the pain in others and process it. I can also take the emotion out and see it for what it is. But when it comes to my own life, I am as human as it gets.
Sometimes I learn from my mistakes quickly. Sometimes I have to repeat them numerous times in various ways to really, fully get the gist. But always, I am learning and growing and living and teaching everything I pick up along the way. I believe these are the growing pains of coming into my own authenticity. I can only imagine it will get easier with more practice and continued dedication.
And if it doesn’t, I will always have more to learn and learning is one of my favorite things! For today, I am grateful for the opportunity to practice and to reframe and for the invaluable experience of learning how to heal myself.