What Lights Your Fire?

I have many, many irrational fears and one of them is running out of gas. It’s never happened to me because once the light goes on I hone in on the first gas station that crosses my path. 

The other day the gas light went on and my inner panic lit up with it. I stopped at the first gas station available. One I’m not sure I ever noticed before. As I pulled up to the pump I noticed a young man sitting on the stoop by the door holding a sign made from a ripped cardboard box.

“Homeless…anything helps,” written boldly on the sign.

I noticed my gaze immediately went down. The same way it does when the girl scouts are staked out by the grocery store entrance. I don’t want the cookies and I don’t want to be guilted by the cookies, but now I feel guilted by their cute little faces. “Look away, Lynn, look away.”

His face was not cute. It was lost.

Don’t look away, Lynn. I heard my inner voice say. 

What?? I thought we were supposed to look away. This is uncomfortable. I can’t fix his pain. I can’t make it stop. I can’t face him knowing I have a warm place to go and food to eat that I get to cook. 

Don’t look away. The voice more pronounced. 

Fine. I looked directly at him and his eyes met mine.

I looked down and saw $6 in my console that had been there for weeks. I rarely ever have cash. “Anything helps.”

I opened the car door and walked directly over to him, cash in hand. I acknowledged it was very little and I hoped he found what he needed soon.

He immediately got up and looked me in the eyes. His eyes were clear and bright. His voice confident and filled with gratitude. 

“Thank you. I’m just waiting on my birth certificate from Texas and am working with a social worker at the soup kitchen to get a job.”

I felt his inner warmth, his spark, his optimism.

I met it with my own. 

“There are many services to get you back on your feet. I’ve used some of them myself and I know it takes awhile, but it does help. I’ve been there.”

He gently smiled acknowledging that winter was hard but he was hopeful things would change soon.

I wished him well and returned to fueling my car and was on my way.

Once out of sight, the tears came fast. I couldn’t stop them or slow them down.

I cried for his plight, his pain, his challenges, and the loneliness I’m sure he feels. I cried for those who feel the same, including myself, and the moments I’ve had (and still have) where overwhelm takes over and questioning everything feels consuming.

I cried for the human condition and how many people live with hopelessness that this is all their is. 

And then, when I was done crying, I asked myself what I wanted to DO about it. How could I best serve? How could I help the young man? How can I touch the loneliness and helplessness we all feel at times? How can I use my skills and resources with the limited capacity I have to do my part- whatever that is?

Keep sharing Hope, Lynn. Keep sharing the stories of Hope. Everyone needs the reminders, including you.

I took the answer as the sign I needed to keep moving forward. To keep plugging along. To keep listening to that inner fire that says- we all make a difference. 

And that is what I will do.

I later met my friend at a cafe and designed small cards I can hand out to strangers and people I meet to remind them there is Hope. There is Support. There is Love to be felt by all. I will keep asking and sharing Stories of Serendipity to reignite and remind our Faith to keep burning. 

What is your nudge? What is the little voice that speaks in terms of passion and aliveness? What lights you up? 

Go there. Keep blowing on the embers. “Anything helps.”

Who knows what your spark is meant to create? 

If you have a Story of Serendipity to share, please do! We ALL need the reminders. 

Submit Your Story:

http://www.livingwithserendipity.com/submit-story-of-serendipity

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https://lynnreilly.substack.com/

A Simple Practice to Create Proof of Serendipity

I am in the habit of looking for the beauty in the mess that life can bring. I’d like to think it’s because I’ve been bestowed a special pair of glasses to view the world with this lens, but it’s not. It’s taken a lot of practice and tuning into the gifts that come from pain, confusion and fear. 

It also comes from defiance. I stubbornly refuse to believe that life would give us so many obstacles and uncomfortable experiences without some kind of purpose and value. With this belief has come a lot of proof, and for a natural skeptic whose default is fear and anxiety, this has been priceless. A guide to thriving in uncertainty and a map to make sure I always find my way home. It is clear to me, it is my responsibility to share. 

I have to say, that is not always easy. For someone who lives on the fumes of hope some days I know it can sound like magical thinking more than concrete proof. Not everyone wants to find purpose or meaning or understanding, and that’s fine too. 

For me, the need started with survival. I chose to believe life was more than “life sucks and then you die.” I had to. The more I swayed into darkness the easier it seemed to get stuck there. The underworld is familiar territory for someone like me, but I could not allow myself to live there. I knew there was too much more of life to see and explore, and I thrive on adventure. 

This current pandemic experience we are in is yet another challenge. We are well aware of the setbacks and concerns and by now we have heard and seen some of the positives revealing themselves. With every great challenge comes the opportunity to grow and expand in ways we were unable to before. We are seeing a small glimpse, but we are nowhere near what will be revealed as time goes on. If you don’t see the serendipity yet, don’t worry, it will find you. 

In order to see the joy in our experiences, we can practice tuning in. The more we do this the more we see the serendipity that shows we are supported and that life is happening for us. Create a book of proof by tracking the small and unexpected joys that show up each day.

Tracking your daily joys allow you to increase your faith that no matter what happens next, something will help balance it out. It may be a moment that feels good and lets you know it’s not always going to be hard and challenging. It may be a promise of hope or a reminder of being loved and seen. It might be someone reaching out you wanted to talk to or an opportunity that you didn’t previously see. It might be an idea that pops in your head or something that somehow shifts your mood. A compliment, a story you hear, inspiration or feelings of love and support of any kind. These moments give you proof that in some way you are supported, even in the smallest of ways. And the small stuff adds up.

For example, earlier this week I went for a walk in my neighborhood, as I often do. On occasion I see others outside, but not very often. With the closing of schools and more people staying home I saw an increase in people being outside. I unexpectedly began talking to an older gentleman in a nearby culdesac. He’s 82 years old and was babysitting his grandchildren since they don’t have school. He was teaching the youngest how to ride a bike and got right on that bike to show him himself! He introduced himself and shared how he finds many people are afraid of death. I shared how I have noticed that many people are afraid of living. He told me he was most recently employed as a hospice chaplain, but prior to that was an insurance agent. I was curious how he moved in such a direction and he shared how he started off as a Catholic priest…until he met his wife. I was incredibly fascinated by his story and his experience. He grew up in Dublin and worked in South Africa for a while learning the village’s native tongue so he could minister to them. He knows and speaks 10 languages! In his last bit of work he said he taught people how to live before they died. I said, I do the same exact thing. Serendipitous.

What struck me most about our brief connection was how easily our conversation flowed and how meaningful it was for two strangers to connect in such a similar way on different paths of life. It quickly elevated my mood and brought me a sense of peace. We all walk different paths in life, but we want the same things. To love and feel loved and find connection to life in some way. To feel alive. 

Later in the week I was invited to an impromptu virtual happy hour with some girlfriends and found myself laughing and thoroughly enjoying their company. I felt some normalcy and comfort in what has been a sea of chaos. We are normally lucky to connect once a year! Between spending more quality time with my kids and embracing the new challenges with the curiosity of what’s next, it has been a wild start with both joy and grief. Reminding us all of the duality of life, and what it means to truly live. 

Consider starting a book of proof that life is happening for you and that serendipity is simply a moment of awareness away. When you tune into the joy, you tune into the hope and hope feels so much better than fear. 

Feeling Fear of Uncertainty?

In times of stress and heightened anxiety it’s hard to grasp the belief that life is happening for us. When we want to close off and hide, we don’t see the safety outside of the walls we’ve built. It’s a defense we created long ago at the first experience of perceived danger. We focus on keeping threat out and keeping ourselves safe from the unknown. 

It’s a learned and fair response. We work to make the unknown a known to protect ourselves.

Here’s the good news: the unknown is already known. You have a lifetime of experiencing fear. You know how to do this. Use your past as proof that in times of great distress, you have created many stories as to what could happen and rarely, if ever, do they come true.

And if they have, you have survived and gained something from them. Sometimes that gain is strength and resilience or new supports, and sometimes it’s deeper joy than you knew possible. But each time, your experiences shifted and stress lifted returning you back to the feeling of safety. We ebb and flow. This is expected. 

This is also the design of life. Experiences that challenge our biggest fears to return us to a place of peace. Our emotions are temporary. Our experiences are temporary. We are ever shifting and evolving as each opportunity asks us to love deeper and harder and with more faith than the time before. 

When fear sidles up next to you ask it what is it’s root. Is it fear of loss of control? Uncertainty? Is it fear of rejection? Is it loss? Fear of being alone? Is it not having basic needs met? Call it by name. 

Then ask for an example when this fear came to fruition in your past, if ever. What was your experience? How did you get through it? What helped as you navigated it? What did you learn from it? How are you still learning from it? What can help you now as the energy  moves through your system? 

Identify ways you can support yourself or ask for support in the process. 

When we are feeling fear we like to feel in control of something. Use this practice to control how you support yourself and others in times of distress.

It shifts our energy and brings us back to our core nature of peace. And who couldn’t use a little more of that? 

Living Serendipitously, in the flow of life, is the practice of feeling allll of your feelings. They all have a seat at the table. Yet at the core, at the head, is Love. After all feelings voice their views, Love, our True and Higher Self has the final say. Love is the only Energy that stays consistent and unshakable.

I recognize in times of heightened fear, we want more evidence than words. I will be writing more about creating this evidence later.

For today, practice listening to any fear that pops up and letting it speak. Use your past of proof you are going to be okay and you know what you are doing. Although our current experience is unprecedented, our experience with navigating fear is not. You’ve got this.

When Heart and Head Team Together...a Story of Serendipity

Facebook memories have a nice way of keeping track of things I’ve forgotten, as well as helping me remember how time sure does fly. I was reminded recently I’ve been in my current home for 8 years. I thought it had been 5! I then found this piece I wrote about buying my house on faith when all of my “reality checks” said not to. A true story of serendipity and what happens when you listen to your heart, your intuition, when you need guidance the most. 

I stared at the lined paper with numbers scratch written all over it. The numbers at the bottom stuck out like they were written in fluorescent permanent marker. Negative. One big negative. My hope sunk.

On paper my income would not cover my monthly expenses. I could not afford to buy the house I was living in and yet I promised my children I would. And more importantly, they believed me.  I had moved into the house with my children and my husband only four months prior and it had been nonstop chaos since.  Due to an error on the house owner’s paperwork, the house we were scheduled to buy was no longer available to us unless we bought it through a short sale. If you know anything about a short sale, they are anything but short.

Fortunately we were able to move into the house and wait out the process while living there. Unfortunately, three months into living in the home, my husband and I decided to separate. This was not part of the plan.

In an emotional moment of our new reality, one of my children cried “I don’t want to move again.” It was as if their words were aimed directly at my heart. I responded without hesitation, “You won’t move. I will buy you this house.” And I meant it. 

The moving process had been stressful. The arguing between my husband and I continuous. I moved them into the house the very first week of school. I knew more change would be too much. I was determined that it would happen and I would make it work.

I was full of faith. Until I looked at the numbers on the piece of paper which implied- I was seriously mistaken. 

I melted into a mild depression. I could not understand why my heart felt so strongly I could buy the house, but my head looked at my heart like it lived in a universe far away from reality. What was I thinking? At the end of the day the answers were in black and white. I was not going to be able to make it work.

Not only did I not have the down payment required to keep my monthly cost lower, I did not have the income to manage the monthly expenses of life itself. The disappointment I felt in myself and my situation was heart wrenching. The stress of my impending legal separation, finagling how I would survive financially and the massive amount of grief I felt as it seemed my entire life was falling apart was a lot to endure.

And yet, the answer to stay couldn’t have felt more right. I distinctly remember looking out my bedroom window one evening at the beautiful view from my house on the hill and thinking…”I’ve come here to heal.” I didn’t even know what that meant.

It turns out, it meant I would spend many months ahead ruminating over my choices. Wondering if I was truly making the best decisions for my family. Letting my heart speak to my head and compassionately tell it we would be okay. And then dissolving into myself in fear wondering if I was in fact, losing my mind.

I spent the next 9 months not knowing what was going to happen next. My husband moved out and bought a home. I paid my rent each month and prayed the following month would be the same. I had no real idea if the short sale would even go through and if I would even be able to afford it. The numbers on the paper were not budging.

I inherited some stock from my grandmother when she passed. I planned on cashing it in for the down payment, but it would still be nowhere enough. I cashed in savings bonds from the year of my birth. I scraped any savings I had. It looked like I may have just had enough. Maybe I could really do this.

And then it was official. The short sale was approved. I would be able to buy the house if I could come up with the money. What happened next was nothing short of a miracle. The day I went to cash out my stock the numbers had jumped up and I suddenly had more than enough for the down payment. The numbers on the paper changed overnight. I would not only have enough to buy the house and keep my mortgage somewhat manageable, I would have enough to help with some the starter bills that came with it. 

Because my husband and I were legally separated and he had bought his own home, the financial split was clean and had no legal issues to contend with. It’s almost like my buying the house was meant to be…

My leap of faith had paid off in ways I could not have predicted.

For the next year I buckled down and found ways to afford the house on my own that I wasn’t sure my husband and I could afford together. I felt strong, empowered, and continued to practice trusting myself and what felt right. 

The following year I resigned from my secure and stable paying school counseling job to work for myself. I still wanted to help people but I also wanted to write. I started a private practice for counseling and also officially ended my marriage. Two years later I had two books published in the same year, a self help book and a children’s book. I have a successful private practice working the hours I want to work and my bills continue to be paid. I am in awe nearly every month when I sit down to pay them and I realize what I felt was true, is. 

There is something to be said about using your head. To map out the possibilities, to make a plan, to see what could happen in black and white. But the truth is, we just don’t know. Our mind is unable to see the future and the outcome of our decisions. Yet our heart seems to have eyes that pierce through the unknowns, the darkness and focus on the dim light of clarity that is just out of reach.

Trust based living is not always easy. It requires practice of sitting with the fear and listening to it instead of pushing it away. It asks for check ins and disaster planning and poses fearful questions that are unable to be answered right away. It involves understanding yourself just enough to know that you are reliable and can be counted on even when things look bleak. 

But the alternative, to walk through life staying in one place that feels unsatisfying, unfulfilling and downright disempowering just because it’s “easy”, is not living. It’s existing. And at least for me, existing sounds terrifying. 

The numbers may not add up. The black and white may look bleak. Your head may be questioning your heart’s credibility, but that does not mean its time to end the dream. You have no concrete proof that either your head or your heart is right. But you do have proof that standing still gets you more of exactly where you are. 

You don’t really know what is going to happen if you take the next step. But you do know what will happen if you don’t.

The choice is yours. It always has been. 

Are You Hardwired to Not Trust?

Have you ever wondered why it is so challenging to trust yourself, others and life itself?

I have. Often. 

After a successful year of pushing through my discomfort in 2018 and saying yes to life, I was feeling pretty confident that I had learned to “trust the process” and deemed 2019 the year I would live Serendipitously…fully trusting the flow of life. 

As all New Year’s intentions go I was full of hope that I was gonna rock the hell out of the year. Less fearful of my experiences and more engaged and hopeful in the present moment, knowing there was nothing to worry about. 

I know how to do it. I even wrote a book on how to clear the clutter to connect to our intuition and ourselves. I just had to use it. And I did. Inconsistently. One day I would be fully in and the next two fully out. I would start to feel good and then something would happen and I would stop. Sound familiar?

I spent a fair amount of time beating myself up for being inconsistent and getting into the state of worry again. Then I would bounce. I’d be back in and feeling good until the next event occurred which threw me off. 

I spent more time frustrated with myself and my inconsistent pattern and why it was so difficult for me to commit to this process of trust. I didn’t understand why I was so scattered and easily shaken.

My intuitive nudge was to start looking at the deeper root to what seemed like surface level fears. I would listen to my clients talk about the everyday stressors and listen for the fears underneath. Was it a fear of rejection, not being good enough, being alone or abandoned? Was it fear of physical safety or harm? Of conflict? Of not being in control?  They all seemed to boil down to one or two of these root fears.

It was eye opening and the more I would listen to others, the more I would see how our root fears seemed to be guiding our repetitive patterns. What I didn’t see was where those root fears came from. I just knew they were pervasive and kept playing out. 

I was confident I knew my own too. I had classic fear of abandonment due to my mother’s unstable emotional pattern and leaving this life (and me) by choice when I was a teenager. I saw my fears of conflict and my easy withdrawal from relationships to protect myself. What I didn’t see until a series of unexpected and serendipitous events this past summer, was the truth- my fears went much deeper and far more masked than I consciously knew. 

If you follow me on social media you may have seen how one incredible and mouth dropping experience after another brought me back to my earliest childhood trauma to re-experience the pain and uncover the real root of my fears. Loss of control. Lack of control. No control. The complete opposite of trust, which allows us to let go of control and feel at ease. 

I saw how for most of my life I had been scrambling and grasping for control and the idea of losing it terrified me and sent me spiraling. After having that experience I had to take a break from learning. That only lasted a couple of weeks. I seemingly could not stop myself from understanding what I had been missing for the majority of my life. 

One day scrolling through Instagram I discovered The Holistic Psychologist. If you have not seen her work, it is a must. I have not seen any work like it and it is truly a game changer. After devouring one post after another and using her recommendations I discovered the book, The Body Keeps the Score. I sobbed reading through the first two chapters. I was reading about trauma and its impact on brain chemistry and the body. I was reading about myself.

I had lead myself to believe I was over my trauma until last year. I had processed and over processed it and Life said, “sweetheart, you’ve done beautiful work, but now you’re ready to see a deeper truth.”

And smack in my face came one opportunity after another to dive even deeper into myself and see how I was chemically hardwired to not trust. My infancy experiences alone made it difficult for me to safely attach due to my emotionally disconnected mother and events where she put my brother and I in danger due to her own psychosis. One subsequent trauma after another built on that pattern and kept me in a steady state of high alert.

The more I learned the more I understood my anxiety was a chemical response to my perpetual feeling of threat and lack of safety. Playing out over and over again in my mind, real or not. It was a painful discovery, but also one that gave me a hope I didn’t know I was missing. I could change this pattern in myself. And I am. 

Mental health practices have long taught us to hide our symptoms, to avoid them, mask them or numb them out. Shaming us through our internal experiences instead of listening to them. Hearing what they have to say. As a mental health therapist, I have listened for the fears. As an energy therapist, I have learned how they are meant to teach us. As a human, I am learning to use that experience and knowledge to support my own ability to thrive and heal the patterns I once believed were a curse to endure.

There are no curses, only limited beliefs.

I am learning how this is the key to self compassion, to self love. To slow down and become more conscious of the stories we play out over and over again. The fears we feed by default and the intuitive voices that get hushed along the way. 

I know first hand the power of reconnecting to ourselves and our intuition. I see how awareness  of the beauty of life and its serendipities can shake us out of a dark and hopeless state. My intention is to keep digging in and learning and passing on to you what I discover. I want to share with you everything I have learned to be helpful and healing and powerful in this beautiful journey of life. 

Do you too believed you are hardwired to not trust? What have your experiences with trust been?

Faith is a Verb, Not a Noun

I turned 44 this year on the 4th of January. I knew it was a sign for an auspicious year ahead. Coming off my amazing Year of Yes at 43, I made the goal of 44 to truly Live Serendipitously…in the flow of my life. I had visions of riding the waves with ease. I would float through the challenges that may arise weightless and balanced.

I am seriously fucking adorable when I’m in my little happy place…eyes twinkling with dreamy knowing of my peaceful days ahead. I knew how to weather all storms. I was sure of it.

As the year begins to come to a close, I am in awe as I look back. Not of myself. Not of my skill. Not of my strength. Of the sheer boldness of the universe delivering to me what will go down as one of the most transformative years of my life. 

Sounds dramatic, I know. But it is. 

My outside life looks almost exactly the same as it did a year ago. Same house, same job, same fabulous children and content cat. My kids are taller, I work from home more, my relationships are stronger and more stable. Other than that it all looks the same.

But not one thing about me- inner me- has been left unchanged this year.

Since I was a small child I lived with crushing anxiety. The kind that wakes you up at night gasping for air. The kind that makes the dimmest of lights in the middle of the night feel like just enough oxygen to fight the terror of dark to get you through till morning. I assumed that anxiety was the curse I must live with until my death bed. 

I spent most of my life pretending my fears did not control me. I spent the last 10 years looking for ways to fight them into submission. I spent the last one recognizing that all they’ve ever wanted is just to be loved.

I know that Trust is the antidote to Fear. And I wanted to learn how to create that elixir in my veins and stop looking for it outside of me. 

When you are ready, life has a way of providing you what you’ve asked for. Sometimes it comes with pretty bows and shiny packaging. Sometimes it comes with mud and filth that stains your feet the deeper you walk through it.

For me it comes with both. 

To live serendipitously, with curiosity and gratitude, you must practice faith. Not once a month, or week or even a day. Sometimes you must practice several times a day…moment to moment. Hour to hour. Faith as a verb, not a noun. This is life by design.

To practice faith we are required to feel our feelings, to laugh with the jokes, to cry with grief, to be angry with injustice…and to lean into the beauty of every fucking emotion. To be able to feel is the gift of this life.

With every feeling we allow to surface we become connected to our true selves. Our divinity. The one that SEES life as it is. That knows the depth of what we are capable of. That LIVES in that capability. 

It’s not about being happy. It’s about being honest with ourselves, and truthful to the ones we love. It’s about learning to be present, and aware and content- just enough- in the moments that make up life.

I call bullshit on the quick fixes to health and happiness. They don’t exist. Joy is a practice. Gratitude is a practice. Living in LOVE is also a practice…until it becomes more of our natural state. And it is. We are getting there. 

Until then, it requires effort and consistency and faith in yourself and the life that supports you. It means owning your shit and not passing it on those you love. It means getting really clear on what you want to experience in this life that is specifically made for you. 

I know all of these sound like fluffy, hopeful words, and they are. But behind them lies a year of work and effort and ridiculously amazing gifts from the universe- who said to me- you are so ready Lynn. And I am.

And I know- whatever shows up in your life is because you are ready too. 

I Didn't Know How to Let Love In...Until Now

“You open your heart knowing there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.” ~Bob Marley

A few months ago I was visited by my mother in a dream; my deceased mother who took her own life thirty years ago. In my dream, I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom thinking about my teenage daughter, who is around the same age I was when my mother died. I felt like my daughter was in distress, and I wanted to help her.

As I sat and pondered, I looked up and saw a blanket coming towards me. I knew it was my mother trying to comfort me, but I could not see her. I only felt her. I was confused and uncomfortable with her presence and why she was there.

She then became visible in her ethereal form; beautiful and healthy as I once remembered her long ago. A victim of mental illness, she had fought her own demons for years before making the decision to end her life.

Her exit from this world shaped the path of mine. I had not dreamt of her in many, many years.

From an early age I was her confidante. She shared her fears with me, as well as her insecurities and her deep depression. I took on the role as her caretaker and emotional support. She was desperate to be loved, and I was desperate to help her feel it. I felt I had to. If I didn’t, I might lose her.

She opened her arms to hug me in my dream, and I instinctively pulled away. This was not our relationship, and I didn’t trust it. It was not her job to comfort me. I was the one who comforted her. It didn’t feel safe.

She waited in silence with her arms wide open as I resisted. I was curious, but cautious. I slowly leaned in and felt her embrace…and then, I let go.

I let her hug me. I released my fear, leaned in even closer, and let my body go limp as I wept in her arms.

I have never experienced anything like it. A feeling of complete surrender and letting go into the care of someone else where I did not have to be strong. I did not have to fix anything. I did not have to make anything okay. I let myself be embraced by a love so powerful and comforting…just for me.

When I woke up, I felt an enormous wave of peace and contentment. Scribbling down insights and details at 4am so I wouldn’t forget.

I spent the next day enamored with the aha moments that followed. I saw the patterns that began early on that I couldn’t quite grasp. The fear of attachment and commitment. The danger I felt getting close to people. How giving love was a survival tactic to get my basic needs met and how receiving love felt dangerous and unknown.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to fully experience being loved by others, I didn’t know how. I saw the push and pull in my relationships. I wanted to get close to people, but it felt risky. The closer they would become the more I would internally retreat in protection.

I had a strong desire to be connected to others, but the resistance that came with it was fierce. So much fear.

I married in my mid-twenties feeling I had a strong connection with my husband and I would comfortably ask for what I needed. Yet the more attached I became, the more my anxiety around loss intensified.

I feared arguments would lead to the end of the relationship. I was convinced that if I didn’t shape myself to meet his expectations I would no longer be welcome in his life. I felt the pressure to assess his needs while ignoring my own, which eventually lead to long-term resentment and the disconnect of our relationship.

Instead of telling my husband, I withdrew enough to deem the relationship no longer working. I was too scared to ask for what I wanted, assuming rejection and defeat. My biggest fear was that he would leave. Instead of waiting for the inevitable end, I chose to leave him before he left me, ...which lead to another debilitating fear—that I would hurt him.

I always felt I had to be tough, the one who took the hits. Because my childhood experiences with an emotionally unavailable parent positioned me as the caregiver, I believed that was my role in relationships. I did not think I had earned the right to support my own emotional needs.

And due to the fact that I’d failed to save my mother when she was in the most pain, an unwarranted, yet longstanding guilt created a fear of hurting others. I would rather put their needs over my own and “suck it up” so they didn’t have to experience what I had become an expert at—enduring pain.

After spending significant amounts of time with myself, comforting the wounds of loss from my twenty-plus year relationship, and getting to know who I was independently, I began to nurture my vulnerable heart. I realized my lack of love and compassion for myself was keeping me in a cycle of dysfunctional and unhealthy attachments.

As my heart strengthened and healed, I was introduced to new friendships with those who were willing to be open and vulnerable, and slowly began to do the same.

I noticed the more comfortable I became in my own skin, the easier it became to expose my true self. Yet, this didn’t elevate my trust in relationships, their intentions, or long they would last. I continued to keep those I loved at arms length in fear that they could be gone at any time.

Although I practiced trust, and even teach ways to move through fear in my career as a psychotherapist, it did not make trusting relationships any easier for me. I trusted myself and my own decisions, but when it came to interpersonal relationships I continued to fear connection and loss of love.

As I began to allow in healthier connections, my real challenges began to unravel. I wanted more intimate relationships equally as much as I feared them.

I started to notice how quickly I wanted to bail if things felt uncomfortable. I felt the inner sirens blare in alert when any kind of threat or disagreement began to brew.

My desire to run is almost instantaneous, like a reflex. I keep my shield up as I find the quickest way off the battlefield to protect my heart. It is a true challenge to not react based on fears that I developed long ago, despite the fact that my life is completely different, as am I.

This self-awareness combined with a consistent practice to respect my fears, has allowed me to make the changes I know are necessary. I now choose to change my patterns by doing the opposite of what I normally do. If I want to run, I stay put. If I want to shut down my emotions, I give myself the space to feel them so they move through me and dissipate.

If I want to pick a fight because I’m scared and want out, I practice sitting with it—or even better, I calmly verbalize my needs. I practice the pause to make sure I am not sabotaging something that is “normal” and will pass with space and calming of my internal wiring. I allow myself time to listen to what my fear is saying to me and question if it is real or imagined.

I’m learning to say how I feel out loud instead of hiding my irrational thoughts. The more I express them and work through them, the more I am realizing they’re just the way I’ve protected myself, but I don’t need them anymore. They are outdated, but still need the comfort of being heard and not dismissed.

The more I’ve changed my response to allowing love in, the more loving relationships and friendships I attract. With people who talk through difficulties and don’t threaten to leave. People who know my tears are normal and don’t criticize my skittish reactions to life. People who somehow inspire me to believe, maybe I really am enough.

I believe my mother’s message to me in my dream was really rather simple. My fears have been under the guise that love can be taken away, but my mother’s embrace showed me that love does not die. It changes forms. That each experience in my life has been a lesson of love; whether an opportunity to feel more love for myself or compassionate love towards others, knowing their own fears of loss of love are the same.

Every time one door has closed in my life, another has opened. Each person who has showered me with love and left has made space for more love to come in. And this is true for all of us.

Most of us are carrying around insecurities in relationships due to our experiences growing up. We’re scared of being hurt or rejected, and it’s tempting to close down—to shut love out so it can’t be taken away. But we need to trust that opening our hearts is worth the risk, and that even if someone leaves us, we can fill the hole in our heart with our own self-love and compassion.

The night after my dream, my independent, headstrong adolescent daughter asked me to lie down with her at bedtime. This is a rarity, as she has grown to not need me in her self-sufficient ways. I melted with the chance to put my arm around her as she released tears of pent up stress and fears of change. I recognized her sadness, I have felt the same.

My dream had come full circle. I am the mother I always wanted; the unconditional love and support I craved. And I am here to teach my daughter, that she, too, is not alone and love will never leave her.

Although I know my own work of self-love and acceptance will continue, I see now the rewards of opening my heart won’t cease. To let love in we must practice not shutting it out. In the end, it’s all we really want, and we can have it, if we open up to it.

Original post published on Tiny Buddha

A Simple Way to Practice Trusting the Process of Life

As the new year began I committed to myself that I would practice what I preach and really learn to Live Serendipitously- in the flow of life. This meant I would practice to letting go and see how life is truly happening for me and build evidence to prove this.

I believe this concept wholeheartedly, but I also am human and don’t like getting slammed with unexpected life stressors as much as the next person. I welcome growth and change, but experiencing pain and disappointment is not favorite way to get there.

So you know what January offered me? Pain. And frustration. And impatience. And heartache. 

Not the devastating kind, but just enough confusion, hurt and stress to take me out of my flow and have me question what I was doing- a lot. I was cranky and irritable. I felt lost and confused. I cried nearly every day to relieve the stress build up and gave myself the space to feel my feelings. 

I experienced strong waves of anger and resentment and let myself feel every ugly part of it. I did not appreciate it at all, but it helped. I chose to not repress and found myself venting angrily to get it out. It was incredibly unpleasant as anger is my least favorite emotion. It generally makes me feel powerless and stuck. I let myself experience it, but I refuse to live there.

Despite my uneasiness with the process, I let myself be in the flow of what was happening and ride the waves of discomfort knowing they would eventually end.  

Thankfully, on New Year’s Day I also began tracking the good things which occurred each day. I purposefully noticed the unexpected joys and opportunities I didn’t see coming which found their way into my life. I use a Gratitude App on my phone that allows me to add pictures and list the things that made me feel good each day.

I began the practice of recording that which lifted me up, made me smile or brought me hope. Whether they were compliments or experiences or simple surprises like small gifts through words or actions from others, I wrote them down. I noted what I saw or created or even committed to doing or giving to myself. 

Every single day had a gift. And I tracked it. 

This practice allows me see that even in my dark moments, there is a glimpse of light, of hope, of joy, no matter how small. I did not know the month would bring so much challenge. I had no way to predict it. But I also did not know that so many wonderful things would happen or what they would be. 

Tracking my daily joys allows me to increase my faith that no matter what happens next, something will help balance it out. It may be a moment that feels good and lets me know it’s not always going to be hard and challenging. It may be a promise of hope or a reminder of being loved and seen. These moments give me proof that in some way I am supported, even in the smallest of ways. And the small moments and surprises adds up.

Some days I tracked unexpected joys right after they happened and others I would add in at the end of the day or early the next morning. Each time I wrote them I re-lived the joy and the feeling of gratitude and awe that came with them. This is a gift in itself! 

As I reflect on the past month, I’m intrigued with how much my challenge changed and then dissipated, as well as the amount I learned about myself and my reactions to life. What I have deemed a very hard month was also one filled with wonderful events, opportunities, interactions and enormous gifts of joy. Had I not tracked them or taken the time to reflect, I would have said the month was a disappointment and stressful all throughout. 

Tracking my joys shifts my perspective and also firms up my faith and proof that life is truly happening for me even when I can’t see it in the moment, but I know the gifts will find their way. It allows me to truly Live Serendipitously with more trust and evidence that life is happening for me. 

My cousin Andrew says that life seems to be something of a project. The unpredictable ups and downs give us something to discover and learn as we go. I couldn’t agree more. And I for one, plan to make the most of this project and take in all the joy I can along the way. Ready to join me?

Article also posted and shared on Biz Catalyst 360.

Facing the Fear of Change: Big Risks Can Bring Big Rewards

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” ~Barack Obama

If someone said to you, “Hey, you know how you are feeling the need for change and you’re not sure what to do? Well, I can’t tell you what to do, but I can guarantee that if you follow where your heart leads you, you’ll create the possibility of more joy than you’ve ever felt before. All you have to do is walk through the doors that will keep opening up for you and trust, completely, that you are on the right track. You may question it at times, but keep going. You’ll be fine no matter what.”

What would you do? Would you follow the guarantee or would you keep doing what you’re doing?

What if the caveat was added, “Oh, you should probably know that if you do this, you run the risk of losing much of what you’ve known and who you think you are now will look completely different the next time you look in the mirror.”

Ummmm… hold up. Let me think about that.

That’s basically what happens when you know it’s time to change up your life and you’re innately scared to do so.

So, what do you do?

I spend a lot of time in deep reflection and introspection. And it’s not because I want to; it’s because I am constantly trying to understand myself, to figure out where I’m headed and what’s potentially holding me back from getting there.

Most of the time, I feel completely in the dark. And while my grandmother always told me that there is nothing in the dark that can hurt you, I’m human; I question this theory. And yet I continue to trust that she’s right. She lived over eighty years and was the most inspirational woman I’ve known; she must’ve learned something pretty valuable to be expressing these bold opinions.

So I had the nudge to change myself and I went with it. No, that’s not accurate—I had the internal and external shove and I went for it.

In the matter of a few short years, I got divorced, bought a house, lived alone with my kids, completely supported myself financially and then left my job, started a business, and changed the majority of my friends. I chose to start completely over in many ways.

On paper, I looked a bit off balanced. Keep Reading...

Commit

Commit to something you love
Commit to what makes your heart sing
Commit to what you know you want and deserve
Commit to Speaking Your Truth
Commit to Faith
Commit to Love
Commit to Living
Commit to feeling whole
Commit to supporting yourself
Commit to an idea
Commit to a feeling
Commit to letting go of the past
Commit to not giving up
Commit to not walking away
Commit to sitting with the discomfort
Commit to knowing the uncomfortable feelings are temporary
Commit to forgiveness
Commit to one step, every single day
Commit to the vision
Commit to the breakthrough
Commit to the Joy
Commit to Knowing…Its Happening

Turning Grief Into Gratitude

As I come upon the one year anniversary of a life changing event for me, a time where I want to focus on celebrating my accomplishments, I instead find myself rounding up my grief.  

I don’t speak of it often because the event is still confusing for me and pangs of anger and sadness can rise up quicker than I can escort them out. It is a story of betrayal, of lies, of weakness and yet, an event that would cause me to dig deep to decide and follow through on how I would allow myself to be treated and what I truly deserved.

I was told I would no longer have my job, a job I once dreamt of having, a job I did well at, a job where I grew close friends who had supported me through some of the other major life changes I’d undergone…getting married, having my babies, deaths of loved ones and even the end of my marriage.  In so many ways I grew up there, it was my security, it was my home base, and then when I least expected it, it told me I was not welcome there anymore.

Let me be clear, I still had a job, but not at the place I had called my home.  I was not fired, I was told that I would have no choice but to take a different job if I still wanted employment.  For someone like me who needs to understand EVERYTHING, it made no sense at all.  I had not done anything wrong. I was good at what I did. I created opportunity to give as much as I could while I was there. Yet, I knew in my heart why it was happening.  I knew I didn’t belong there anymore, but it hurt tremendously.  

The feeling of intense heartache and anger was not foreign. It was not the first time I had been treated poorly in my life. And I knew I had to make a decision on if I would allow the pattern to continue or if I could muster the courage to change it.  I asked myself the same questions over and over again…what do you want, what would you do if you removed the fear, and what would you tell yourself if you were your own spouse? My answers came quickly, but it didn’t stop me from asking them…repeating “Are you sure? Are you really sure?” I was sure, but wow, it was scary.

I was quickly reminded it wasn’t just about me. I had children to think about, a mortgage, and no actual knowledge of what life outside my little bubble would look like. Prior to making my decision to leave a secure job completely, I didn’t even know what the hell I was going to do!

And so began my first step in my giant leap….huge leap….of Faith.  I knew myself well enough to know once I made up my mind there would be no turning back.  And there wasn’t.

I want to tell you that it was smooth sailing after that. I want to tell you there have been no obstacles. I want to tell you that the fear dissolves.  But the truth is, even being on the “right” path, there are still obstacles, there are storms like I’ve never seen, there are fears that follow me around like we have been besties for years and they still lie to me that they are keeping me safe. The learning curves for me are enormous.  And I become overwhelmed and frustrated and exhausted.  

Yet, when I think of what my life would have been like if I chose the other path, I can’t even fathom how I’d still be breathing. I would have survived, I would have made it work, but I wouldn’t be truly living….at least not comfortably in my skin. And not directly on the path to my own happiness.

 A year later, I AM living an authentic life.  One I’ve had great help designing and one that hasn’t even begun to exploit what I know I have yet to do. I am given amazing gifts nearly every day. Extraordinary highs I've never experienced and a sense of knowing I would have never believed existed. I have had spontaneous tears of joy that seem to come from nowhere and the sensation of my passion bubbling to the surface. I hear myself say thank you all day long...and I mean it from the depths of my soul.

I wish my accomplishments took the sadness out for me. I wish I didn’t still feel the heartache. But maybe that’s just the reminder, that I had a good life to walk away from.  And there really don’t need to be any regrets.  It was just time to move on to the next part of who I am.  

Acceptance…the last stage of grief.  I’m just a few tears away.

I was telling my son that I will be celebrating the date and he highlighted my bravery, stating that not everyone has the courage to do what I’ve done. I disagreed and still disagree. Everyone has the same amount of bravery to access, it’s whether we choose to use it or not.  

How do you want to live your life?  We are all asked the same question and we are all given opportunity to create exactly what we want.  And when the opportunity presents itself, and it always does… it’s our call what comes next.